Dealing with Doubts

May 2, 2013

This letter is in response to a fireside by Robert Millet I had summarized for her on "Dealing with Doubt." I'm SO glad I took the time because THIS is wonderful to hear:

I remember when I first got on the mission and it started getting hard. I remember saying a lot that I didn't want to do it anymore. I just wanted to be home in the safety and comfort of my own home. I just wanted to "holdju." All of you. It was hard to get up. I didn't want to go outside. I was too scared to talk to others. I doubted my ability to speak Italian. I doubted my testimony. It was rough. That basically sums it up.

Now, I am about to start my SEVENTH transfer. My sixth transfer takes the cake with quickest moving transfer. My doubts have changed in so many ways. While reflecting this morning, I came to several conclusions. Every day, I question my ability to be a missionary. But not just any missionary...an ITALY MILAN missionary. I am living in Como, one of the prettiest cities I have ever ever been too. I am in love with it. But was it a test that I was sent here? Every day, we have to walk by streets and streets of beautiful stores. There are pretty views everywhere. I find myself fighting the urge to look in the store window. What if I am missing the opportunity to talk to someone who has been placed strategically, by Heavenly Father, next to that store window. Gosh. Sometimes, I question whether I am cut out for this. Italy. It's difficult. The waking up? Not hard anymore. You just do it. Talking with people? Not a problem. If they reject you, you move on. It's the knowing what to say in the right moment that is hard. When your investigator tells you over and over again that they just don't get it, then it gets hard. There is a pit in your stomach that just sucks up all hope. You are constantly fighting the urge to just grab the person's face, look them in the eye, and cry, and tell them that you KNOW it is true. You love them SO VERY MUCH. You KNOW God loves them. You KNOW that this church is the only true church that will get you STRAIGHT to the presence of Heavenly Father. Doubts in your ability to teach the gospel FILL up that pit in your stomach. Why aren't your investigators praying? Why don't they read the Book of Momon? What did you do wrong?!

....and then....peace....

You pray your stinkin' heart out when you get back for the day. You pour your heart out to Heavenly Father and tell him everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. You go to the Source. And somehow, for some reason, Heavenly Father gives you a sense of comfort. He thanks you for coming to Him. He reassures you everything will be fine. You need to have faith in Him, and His timing. Trust. Just trust. Hence, why the peace comes.

That is why the mission is hard. That cycle takes place every day. It takes its toll spiritually, physically, and emotionally. But that's why we don't do it alone. Christ is there to comfort us...every step of the way. We can NOT do this alone. This experience is not possible without divine help. I am so grateful for my loving Heavenly Father. I can't even reason with myself why we're worth it. We constantly let him down. We make SO many mistakes! It's ridiculous. But maybe every time we humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness, His tenderness and mercy just grows, and His love for us grows (if that is possible). He gave us everything and more. Now, how can we give up? Isn't that why we came here? We knew it would be hard! We brought this upon ourselves! It is because we KNEW that it would be worth it. Those moments of immense joy we feel in our lives are just a tiny little glimpse of what life will be like in the future. It's gonna be legit. Can't wait.

Anyway......

I will be sticking with Sorella McCann for the next transfer. Thank GOODNESS. I adore her with my whole heart. She is the light of my life. For reals. We pretty much live the same life. I haven't laughed so much and so hard as I have in these past few weeks. Actually, the other day, I accidentally called her Kimmy. Good sign. She was flattered. :) I couldn't be more grateful for her patience, hard work, and will to do the work. She is such a good example for me! And there is still so much to learn. Woohoo!

This is gettin' long. Love you all.

Sorella Beus

This song is wonderful about dealing with doubts and I want Katie to hear it when she gets home so I'm putting it on here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdF8b2dEQkQ